i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
pray to the hookup gods
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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