for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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