Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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