Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
And then he peed in my hair
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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