Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
