sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
