Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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