Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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