I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
