Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
