Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
