I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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