When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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