I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
