You really coming over, don't trick.
If i come over, it means nothing
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
