she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
