I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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