Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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