apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
