Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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