Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
