Your face is a jimmy john
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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