Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
