Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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