So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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