Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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