you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
