he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
