Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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