I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
