my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
