why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
