three words: i give head
three words: not that well
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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