You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
