before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
