I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
