Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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