i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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