I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
