Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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