I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
