I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
