i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
