I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
