The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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