i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
