I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
