I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
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