I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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