apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
