"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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