I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
