The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
