Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
