So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
