mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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