just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
