if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
4 words: hood of his car
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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